Today's Funny: THIS FUNNY LIFE
"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
Rodney Dangerfield
THIS FUNNY LIFE: De-"Crapifying" My PC
I came across a marvelous little utility program for my computer that's free and makes it nice and easy to get rid of all the junk programs that slow your computer down. The folks who developed it must be my kind of people with a funny streak somewhere - otherwise why else would they call their product the "PC DeCrapifier". I love this name ... and it works pretty damn good too!
You know what a pain it is to remove programs from your PC, right? -- especially all the garbage they pre-install on a new computer. You have to open the control panel (assuming you know where that is), select "remove programs", highlight the program, click "uninstall", wait for it to uninstall, then do it all again. Sounds easier than it is and takes forever. But with the "decrapifier" all you do is check the programs from a list that you want to get rid of and click "OK" one time. Then go do something else while it does its thing.
www.pcdecrapifier.com -- one hint: scroll to the bottom of the page to find the correct download link!
THIS FUNNY LIFE: My Ridiculously Improbable Political Dream!
In my dream a fine young candidate for Congressional office made the following impassioned appeal to the voters of his state …
My fellow Americans, (they all start out that way)
I ask you to vote for me in the upcoming election. I have a plan to achieve all the things that I know are important to you -- reduce taxes, eliminate waste, provide medical care for all, keep us safe and secure, and end war. That being said, I would, however, like to set your expectations correctly.
If you make me your Congressperson remember that I will actually have very little influence on anything. Mine is just one vote among hundreds and doesn’t really amount to all that much. So far as my plan goes, it is unlikely that anyone is going to listen to anything a new Congressman has to say. This probably makes sense since it will be my first time in Washington and I have to admit that I really don’t know all that much about anything, much less about how to solve all our nation’s ills. Besides, the good people of my political party raised a lot of money to get me elected, so it’s expected that I will pretty much vote the way they tell me (especially if I want to get reelected in the future ).
You may wonder why I want to be your Congressman. I really do have a strong desire to serve my fellow citizens, but I have to tell you that the ego-boost from holding high office is a real rush! My advisers tell me that I should come across to you as deeply empathetic and sympathetic to the pain of my fellow Americans; but to be honest, if I was really all that sensitive and caring do you think I would be willing to put up with all the abuse and mud-slinging in this campaign? A good politician has to be thick-skinned and remain above it all.
I thank you for your vote next Tuesday.
Yes, it was just a dream. But, oh my, it would have been funny if it had been real!
n TM
Today's Funny - THIS FUNNY LIFE
"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?"
George Carlin
THIS FUNNY LIFE: Let's Ban All Words!
Congress passed a new law forbidding the use of the word “retarded” in federal paperwork when referring to an individual with a “developmental disability”. This is a fine thing since that “R” word, and several variations of it, have become rude pejoratives directed to those with special needs. It makes you wonder what mean person came up with such an unkind word to begin with, doesn’t it?
Yes, it makes you wonder … until you find that not so long ago, “retarded” was introduced as a good word to replace the bad words of an earlier time, such as “feebleminded”, “idiot”, and “moron”. In fact, getting the world to use the term “mentally retarded” was a giant positive step forward in its day. So what happened?
It’s a reminder that the meaning and intent of any word is no more and no less than what we assign it to be. Words often reflect the hearts and minds of people, their kindnesses or unkindnesses. Getting rid of a word unfortunately doesn't really change anything - if only it was that easy!
Still, banning the use of certain words might be a really good thing to do … because if we do it aggressively enough then unkind people will find that they have no words to use at all and that will solve the problem.
-- Tim
Today's Funny - THIS FUNNY LIFE
"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
Robin Williams
THIS FUNNY LIFE: Take Heart, America! The Hippies Are Returning...
All of us in the 60’s were at least a little bit “Hippie”. Now, there is a common belief that hippie meant long hair, the exploration of psychedelic substances, and free love (I somehow having managed to miss all three … including the third). There was a fourth “characteristic” too and it was called social consciousness – a burning desire to do something to make the world a better place. Many of the causes we take for granted today – concern for the environment, civil rights, and more – had their genesis in the youth of the 60’s and 70’s.
And then, of course, “life happened” to most of us. Utopian dreams were replaced by the realities of work, home, and family. It’s wasn’t about caring less; there was just so much less time for it. We became practical, for better or worse; grownups concerned about careers, little league, and paying for college.
I watched a famous actor of my generation on one of the talk shows this morning who is retiring from his screen career to become a high school teacher. A good friend of mine recently “retired” from a high-powered position in a large corporation to work full time with the disabled. Neither wants to take his well-earned “retirement” sitting on a beach in St. Pete. The kids are grown, the career pressure is over, but the banked fires of “hippie” social consciousness are still there. And they’re not alone … if there is one statement I hear over and over these days it's this:
"I don’t want to leave this life never having done something to make it better ..."
They tell us that soon the Baby Boomers will be the largest portion of the population, and I wonder if that might be good news – the Return of the Hippies. Most of us have lost our hair, our psychedelics are now prescriptions, and as for free love … well, we just won’t go there. But social consciousness and a desire to give know no age limit; and if it’s still alive then we may have some very good years ahead. Now where the hell did I put my love beads???
Now wouldn't that be funny?
-- Tim
Todays Funny -- THIS FUNNY LIFE
"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it." --
Steven Wright
THE BELLY BUTTON BOYS: Potty Training, Cavities, and ... Oh My!
My three-year-old has a cavity. I know what you're thinking — what mother allows such a thing to happen to a child that just barely started using his teeth? I am ashamed, but I blame potty training.
Potty training is not going well; I think Liam, my ten-month-old, will figure it out sooner than the three-year-old twins. After all, he started taking steps at eight months, found his way to the dog food without a hitch, has been creeping up the stairs with ease, and lately has been throwing himself on the ground tantrum-style when I take things away from him, e.g. dog food. The other boys were definitely not this advanced at this age.
But potty training is just not going as expected. I knew it wouldn't be easy so I didn't have high expectations, but I didn't think it would be this bad either. Training two boys while working full-time, and being pregnant was, I thought, going to be the Trifecta of potty training failure but little did I know that trying to train the twins after the baby was born was going to be the real challenge.
I end up dragging--and I wholeheartedly mean dragging--the three-year-olds up the stairs with Liam on my hip, repeating over and over and over with less and less patience "You have to go to the potty; all big boys use the potty; daddy uses the potty; if you want to go to school, you have to use the potty. Are you a baby Liam? You're acting like baby, Liam! Diapers are for babies; pull ups are for babies. Do you want a prize? A present? Do you want to go to the park? Go swimming? A lollipop? No? How about a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?"
Bingo! Now Peanut Butter Cups become the sole motivator of bathroom trips.
Now a cavity has made its cozy little home in the back of Rowan's mouth, which is the worst part, right? Wrong! The worst part is that peanut butter cups and and every other bribe I can think of no longer works because they cause cavities. Swell! For all the strides they were making, we are back to square one, and I'm left with a $200 filling to pay for.
But I've decided to take it all in stride. All kids eventually get out of diapers just as they all end up losing their baby teeth - and I know one day I'll learn as a mother to give myself a break.
-- Katie
Article first published as <a href='http://blogcritics.org/culture/article/katies-belly-button-boys-potty-training/'>Katie's Belly Button Boys: Potty Training, Cavities, and ... Oh My!</a> on Blogcritics.
THIS FUNNY LIFE: The Significance of Nothing Significant
I have good friends who are politicians who, unlike myself, seem to have an abundance of great thoughts to share. I have found that alone each is a most normal and enjoyable human being, but when two or more politicians come together a dark change occurs and a pall immediately covers the room. Faces become serious and voices strident as they eagerly huddle together en caucus. I have wondered if this is the motivation for engaging in politics since I know of no other career in which individuals may "caucus" (at least openly or legally, depending of course on the jurisdiction). I suspect it must be quite exciting.
By any comparison, the great issues of my life are simple. I am unable to understand why my spouse requires that I always leave the toilet seat in the “down” position, this creating a most unequal division of labor. I am unable to understand why life starts to go by faster just when it becomes harder to keep up with it. And although I have determined I am still only 25 (but unfortunately look like hell), why do I have problems getting others to believe this?
I wonder why I continue to be so impatient with those who disagree with me, although it seems perfectly reasonable considering that they are wrong. This may be why I avoid engaging in deep thoughts.
These days I find the greatest pleasures in the company of my most loyal and noble St. Bernard along with his overweight and bratty Lab companion, both of whom never leave my side. I worry sometimes that this is because there is something terribly wrong with me that they sense, but so far I see no signs of my imminent collapse…I think.
I take perverse joy in hearing of the child-raising travails of my offspring (being no more than they deserve considering what they put me through). There is something immeasurably fulfilling in hearing that my three-year-old grandson pooped in the Shop-Vac last night for no known reason. What more could I ask for?
ABOUT THE PICTURE: "Politicians In Caucus" (oops, wrong picture!)
Read more: http://blogcritics.org/culture/article/the-significance-of-nothing-significant/#ixzz11UtpAMIb
Article first published as The Significance of Nothing Significant on Blogcritics.
