"I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."
Rodney Dangerfield 

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I came across a marvelous little utility program for my computer that's free and makes it nice and easy to get rid of all the junk programs that slow your computer down. The folks who developed it must be my kind of people with a funny streak somewhere - otherwise why else would they call their product the "PC DeCrapifier". I love this name ... and it works pretty damn good too!

You know what a pain it is to remove programs from your PC, right?  -- especially all the garbage they pre-install on a new computer. You have to open the control panel (assuming you know where that is), select "remove programs", highlight the program, click "uninstall", wait for it to uninstall, then do it all again. Sounds easier than it is and takes forever. But with the "decrapifier" all you do is check the programs from a list  that you want to get rid of and click "OK" one time. Then go do something else while it does its thing.

www.pcdecrapifier.com -- one hint: scroll to the bottom of the page to find the correct download link!

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My_Political_Dream.mp3 Listen on Posterous

In my dream a fine young candidate for Congressional office made the following impassioned appeal to the voters of his state …

My fellow Americans,  (they all start out that way) 

I ask you to vote for me in the upcoming election. I have a plan to achieve all the things that I know are important to you --  reduce taxes, eliminate waste, provide medical care for all, keep us safe and secure, and end war. That being said, I would, however, like to set your expectations correctly.

If you make me your Congressperson remember that I will actually have very little influence on anything. Mine is just one vote among hundreds and doesn’t really amount to all that much. So far as my plan goes, it is unlikely that anyone is going to listen to anything a new Congressman has to say. This probably makes sense since it will be my first time in Washington and I have to admit that I really don’t know all that much about anything, much less about how to solve all our nation’s ills. Besides, the good people of my political party raised a lot of money to get me elected, so it’s expected that I will pretty much vote the way they tell me (especially if I want to get reelected in the future ).

You may wonder why I want to be your Congressman. I really do have a strong desire to serve my fellow citizens, but I have to tell you that the ego-boost from holding high office is a real rush! My advisers tell me that I should come across to you as deeply empathetic and sympathetic to the pain of my fellow Americans; but to be honest, if I was really all that sensitive and caring do you think I would be willing to put up with all the abuse and mud-slinging in this campaign? A good politician has to be thick-skinned and remain above it all.

I thank you for your vote next Tuesday.

Yes, it was just a dream. But, oh my, it would have been funny if it had been real!

n  TM

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"Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?" 
George Carlin 

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Lets_Ban_All_Words.mp3 Listen on Posterous

Congress passed a new law forbidding the use of the word “retarded” in federal paperwork when referring to an individual with a “developmental disability”.  This is a fine thing since that “R” word, and several variations of it, have become rude pejoratives directed to those with special needs. It makes you wonder what mean person came up with such an unkind word to begin with, doesn’t it?

Yes, it makes you wonder … until you find that not so long ago, “retarded” was introduced as a good word to replace the bad words of an earlier time, such as “feebleminded”, “idiot”, and “moron”. In fact, getting the world to use the term “mentally retarded” was a giant positive step forward in its day. So what happened?

It’s a reminder that the meaning and intent of any word is no more and no less than what we assign it to be. Words often reflect the hearts and minds of people, their kindnesses or unkindnesses. Getting rid of a word unfortunately doesn't really change anything - if only it was that easy!

Still, banning the use of certain words might be a really good thing to do … because if we do it aggressively enough then unkind people will find that they have no words to use at all and that will solve the problem.

-- Tim

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"I'm sorry, if you were right, I'd agree with you."
Robin Williams 

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Return_of_the_Hippies.mp3 Listen on Posterous

All of us in the 60’s were at least a little bit “Hippie”. Now, there is a common belief that hippie meant long hair, the exploration of psychedelic substances, and free love (I somehow having managed to miss all three … including the third). There was a fourth “characteristic” too and it was called social consciousness – a burning desire to do something to make the world a better place. Many of the causes we take for granted today – concern for the environment, civil rights, and more – had their genesis in the youth of the 60’s and 70’s.

And then, of course, “life happened” to most of us. Utopian dreams were replaced by the realities of work, home, and family. It’s wasn’t about caring less; there was just so much less time for it. We became practical, for better or worse;  grownups concerned about careers, little league, and paying for college.

I watched a famous actor of my generation on one of the talk shows this morning who is retiring from his screen career to become a high school teacher. A good friend of mine recently “retired” from a high-powered position in a large corporation to work full time with the disabled. Neither wants to take his well-earned “retirement” sitting on a beach in St. Pete. The kids are grown, the career pressure is over, but the banked fires of “hippie” social consciousness are still there. And they’re not alone … if there is one statement I hear over and over these days it's this:

"I don’t want to leave this life never having done something to make it better ..."

They tell us that soon the Baby Boomers will be the largest portion of the population, and I wonder if that might be good news – the Return of the Hippies. Most of us have lost our hair, our psychedelics are now prescriptions, and as for free love … well, we just won’t go there.  But social consciousness and a desire to give know no age limit; and if it’s still alive then we may have some very good years ahead. Now where the hell did I put my love beads???

Now wouldn't that be funny?

-- Tim

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"Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it."  --
Steven Wright 

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My three-year-old has a cavity. I know what you're thinking — what mother allows such a thing to happen to a child that just barely started using his teeth? I am ashamed, but I blame potty training.

Potty training is not going well; I think Liam, my ten-month-old, will figure it out sooner than the three-year-old twins. After all, he started taking steps at eight months, found his way to the dog food without a hitch, has been creeping up the stairs with ease, and lately has been throwing himself on the ground tantrum-style when I take things away from him, e.g. dog food. The other boys were definitely not this advanced at this age.

But potty training is just not going as expected. I knew it wouldn't be easy so I didn't have high expectations, but I didn't think it would be this bad either. Training two boys while working full-time, and being pregnant was, I thought, going to be the Trifecta of potty training failure but little did I know that trying to train the twins after the baby was born was going to be the real challenge.

I end up dragging--and I wholeheartedly mean dragging--the three-year-olds up the stairs with Liam on my hip, repeating over and over and over with less and less patience "You have to go to the potty; all big boys use the potty; daddy uses the potty; if you want to go to school, you have to use the potty. Are you a baby Liam? You're acting like baby, Liam! Diapers are for babies; pull ups are for babies. Do you want a prize? A present? Do you want to go to the park? Go swimming? A lollipop? No? How about a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup?"

Bingo! Now Peanut Butter Cups become the sole motivator of bathroom trips.

Now a cavity has made its cozy little home in the back of Rowan's mouth, which is the worst part, right? Wrong! The worst part is that peanut butter cups and and every other bribe I can think of no longer works because they cause cavities. Swell! For all the strides they were making, we are  back to square one, and I'm left with a $200 filling to pay for.

But I've decided to take it all in stride. All kids eventually get out of diapers just as they all end up losing their baby teeth - and I know one day I'll learn as a mother to give myself a break.

-- Katie

Article first published as <a href='http://blogcritics.org/culture/article/katies-belly-button-boys-potty-training/'>Katie's Belly Button Boys: Potty Training, Cavities, and ... Oh My!</a> on Blogcritics.

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On_the_Significance_of_Nothing_Significant.mp3 Listen on Posterous

I have good friends who are politicians who, unlike myself, seem to have an abundance of great thoughts to share. I have found that alone each is a most normal and enjoyable human being, but when two or more politicians come together a dark change occurs and a pall immediately covers the room. Faces become serious and voices strident as they eagerly huddle together en caucus. I have wondered if this is the motivation for engaging in politics since I know of no other career in which individuals may "caucus" (at least openly or legally, depending of course on the jurisdiction). I suspect it must be quite exciting.

By any comparison, the great issues of my life are simple. I am unable to understand why my spouse requires that I always leave the toilet seat in the “down” position, this creating a most unequal division of labor. I am unable to understand why life starts to go by faster just when it becomes harder to keep up with it. And although I have determined I am still only 25 (but unfortunately look like hell), why do I have problems getting others to believe this?

I wonder why I continue to be so impatient with those who disagree with me, although it seems perfectly reasonable considering that they are wrong. This may be why I avoid engaging in deep thoughts.

These days I find the greatest pleasures in the company of my most loyal and noble St. Bernard along with his overweight and bratty Lab companion, both of whom never leave my side. I worry sometimes that this is because there is something terribly wrong with me that they sense, but so far I see no signs of my imminent collapse…I think.

I take perverse joy in hearing of the child-raising travails of my offspring (being no more than they deserve considering what they put me through). There is something immeasurably fulfilling in hearing that my three-year-old grandson pooped in the Shop-Vac last night for no known reason. What more could I ask for?

ABOUT THE PICTURE: "Politicians In Caucus" (oops, wrong picture!)

Read more: http://blogcritics.org/culture/article/the-significance-of-nothing-significant/#ixzz11UtpAMIb

Article first published as The Significance of Nothing Significant on Blogcritics.

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Looking_Like_Hell.mp3 Listen on Posterous

 Life starts to go by faster just when it becomes harder to keep up with it …

If life were in the least bit fair we would become more-abled just when we’re old enough and smart enough to make the most of it.

I was until recently somewhat concerned about this ageing business. Fortunately I have determined that I am still only 25 years old … I just look like hell.

-          TM

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"Were it offered to my choice, I should have no objection to a repetition of the same life from its beginning, only asking the advantages authors have in a second edition to correct some faults in the first."  - Benjamin Franklin

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"The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think."

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Football_Night.mp3 Listen on Posterous

Saturday night Mitch’s team played under the lights at the high school stadium. At his age, that’s a pretty big thrill all by itself. All of us were there – three generations. Three of my four children, spouses, and kids, under the stars on a warm Fall evening; sitting in the stands laughing and cheering with the littlest ones running up and down the stairs. Later I realized the night wasn’t about the football; it was about the family.

My good fortune is having most of my family all together and being able to spend little times like these together. In future years I am sure these will be the memories which will mean the most to me.

 It occurs to me how important it is to collect fine memories now. As a friend of mine once said, she didn’t want to someday end up in the nursing home with nothing to talk about …

If my oldest daughter, Katie, and her family could be brought home to New Hampshire from Virginia then it would have been just about perfect. For now I guess that makes me 75% lucky and I am mostly satisfied.

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It was just one of those weeks where you hate all your clothes, feel like a tank, don't want anyone to see how awful you look but so tired you don't care and you need a paycheck so you have to go into work.

All week the twins have been doing horrible at potty training. We had a good few weeks; a really great run but now they've reverted back to their old diaper wearing selves. They've also been up forever at night which is great for the sitter during the day- they must sleep at least 3 hours! - but for me it has been pure hell.

I hate to think that I'm a screaming kind of mother but Im worried i'm turning out that way. My three year old twin boys won't listen, they wont stop, they do whatever they feel like doing. Is this normal??? Tonight it was stop hitting, stop jumping on the couch, stop crawling behind the couch, don't throw the pillows, don't jump in baby liam's playpen, don't play in liam's bouncer, don't give the dogs your food, don't throw toys down the stairs, don't jump on the table, get off the table, don't throw dog food, don't stick your finger in baby liam's bellybutton, don't pinch baby liam, don't push baby liam on the ground, don't touch the tv, stop yelling, screaming, whining, fighting, crying, arggghhhhhh! Is it any wonder I feel like I'm losing my mind? This was just all one night!

Finally we sent them to bed but not without a fight. They were playing in the hall, we said go to bed. They threw wet- vac pieces, blankets, and underwear down the stairs, we turned off their lights. But the best part came right when I just about had liam to sleep in my arms. Keagan bursts in liam's room with a naked rowan in tow saying Rowan pooped his pants, rowan pooped his pants and it's on the floor!!! well that is just icing on the poop cake.

It's times like these I wonder where I went wrong. Have I got mothering all wrong?

Super Nanny makes it look so easy but my patience is thin when I have to go through the same song and dance every night. Am I raising wild rotten animals or imaginative free spirited twin boys? Have I gone against everything in the mom book- empty threats, bribes, giving in? All i know is I screamed and I yelled, they laughed and jumped on their beds. I made Rowan pick it up- naturally he was all too happy to do so. I shut the lights out and slammed the door.

After I finally, finally got liam to sleep and in his crib the twins were yelling for a hug and a kiss. I let out a sigh and cuddled in next to them snuggled together for a kiss. I whispered "I love you" to keagan and he gave me a wet lick on the face and said "I love you stinky diaper". I whispered "I love you" to Rowan and he sweetly whispered "I love you mommy". And in that moment I was thinking, I may not be perfect or be the best mom, or do anything right for that matter, I know I love my sweet monsters. They're not perfect and im sure theyre not the best 3 year olds but I know if we stick together we may just make it out alive. #

 - Katie

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"Note to Self: When you find you're in a hole, stop digging!" -- overheard in an airport :)

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11pm and this is my first moment of peace and quiet ...

 The twins finally passed out a short while ago after 5 rounds of restarting Rowan's Barney CD and reminding them not to jump on the bed, fight, whine, or scream. They finally fell asleep after i threatened time-outs, daddy, etc.; and after yelling "get in bed" and "that's enough" about 16 times, and running up the stairs only a handful of times about a few loud bangs. One such bang was Rowan dropping the DVD player off the top of the TV that was on top of the dresser. I'm not sure why those things are even in there, they dont even work- maybe he knows that too. The next bang, bang, bang  was Keagan standing on the rocking chair and rocking it into the radiator over and over and over. All the while, they have the shades on their windows drawn- with the lights on, in all their half naked glory- all the better for our neighbors to view right from their 2nd story porch- and let me tell you, they are always out there. i can only imagine what they think of us. So the boys finally fell asleep after i crawled into their bed- they like to share a bed and sleep at opposite ends- and laid next to each of them for a count of 20 seconds and a round of ABC's. Rowan prefers the counting, Keagan prefers the song. They then each get a "big hug, big kiss" and i get a "goodnight stinky poopy diaper". I've decided to starting taking that as their term of endearment.

And i know they love me because this morning Keagan offered to "go to work for me, get money, and buy food" while i stayed at home. What a provider! 

Rowan just threw teeny tiny sticky pieces of Rice Krispies treat he got from the sitter's house all over the minivan.Oh the minivan! An embarassment to drive but i have to say that i'm willing to live with my uncoolness for the sheer fact that i can fit everything in there. i can also stand up in it. And when i locked myself out of the house with all 3 kids a few weeks ago and waited in the driveway for the locksmith to come, we were all pretty comfy cozy. We had the DVD player going, the twins had their headsets on and seatbelts unstrapped, Liam was sitting on my lap as i lounged in the 3rd row watching Alice in Wonderland. The Honda Odyssey is awesome- you know you want one.

Poor baby Liam, i always leave him for last. Tonight sweet baby Liam fell off the couch. He tricked me into thinking he figured out gravity and ledges and how falling works- he even crawled to the ends of couch, peered over and then turned around and came crawling back to me. he did this twice so i thought we were good and i thought he understood. That's how he tricked me. And then he fell backwards on his little head. Poor baby Liam- that's the last time i let him loose like a toddler. 

-- Katie

Ughh! Almost midnight and time for sleep myself, although i'm quite sure someone will wake up within the next hour or two- i'd be nervous if one didn't. A full night's rest just doesnt happen. Gotta love it! :)

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Trailer_Trash.mp3 Listen on Posterous

A free trailer is proof that there is no such thing as a free lunch.

In addition to the fix-up, there has been the matter of obtaining a trailer hitch for the van at a cost of some $200. I then learned from my friendly local policeman that despite the former owner’s assurances to the contrary, purchasing trailer lights and turn signals would be required in addition to registration … oh, and one tire looks like it is now going flat. My wife has most kindly pointed out the number of times (and years) I could have hired “Man with Pickup Truck” for the same expenditures, although I am sure that she does not appreciate the manly convenience of having a dump trailer always at hand.

There is something most satisfying about loading a trailer full with trash, branches, and large items from the clutter of the shed or basement and dumping them with a most resounding crash into the landfill. It compares quite favorably with the thrill I get from powerwashing and I find it equally addictive (but more about that perhaps in the future). I have, however, now run out of obvious refuse to load into my cart and am reduced to begging my wife for further things to dispose of.  I have pointed out the place where the cat scratched the couch, rendering it in my opinion, trash, as well at the carpet with a spot on it; but she seems determined to hold on to these substandard items. She suggests I take other people’s trash to the dump but cannot understand that it is just not the same.

It is autumn and I can at least look forward to disposing of large quantities of leaves; but with winter and snows not far away my days of dump trailering are numbered at best. Hopefully she will change her mind about the couch … in the meantime I think I may cut down a tree.

n  TM

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So I've finally decided to start a blog. Not so much because i think it would be a great thing for my boys to see when they get older but more because i think my boys do something ridiculously funny and/or awful each day that i think it may be worth sharing with everyone than with just my sympathetic co-workers. 
To give you background, I have twin 3 year old fraternal boys Keagan and Rowan. Keagan is typically the leader. He is bossy and demanding and very tricky but terribly cuddly and loving. He is the first to jump on and lick my face... Yes, he's into licking me like a dog right now. 

Keagan's Favorite Things:
1) calling me stinky diaper, penis, butt, pretty much anything potty related and the occasional farm animal
2) pointing in my face, screaming, kicking, biting, all the gestures only a mother could love
3) coming downstairs every night to tell me Rowan has taken his diaper off
4) then telling me that Rowan has either wiped his poop on the walls, on the bed, in the Shop Vac, a whole plethora of options here
5) Lying to me - Rowan never actually comes up with the idea to take his diaper off- Keagan tells him to do it so he can come downstairs 

Rowan, on the other hand is my little day dreamer. He is often heard randomly singing Barney songs, his abc's, or repeating lines from his favorite movies...a personal favorite "Fuzzy Navels for all my friends!". Rowan is my "younger" twin", stuck on stealing his baby brother's pacifier any chance he gets and whining to no end. Currently he is not one for licking my face but grabbing my chest and saying "squishy boobies, squishy boobies". Is this how I know I'm totally a mom? I have mom boobs?

Rowan's Favorite Things:
1) all pacifiers
2) Baby Liam- particularly his pacifier
3) whining- incessantly
4) taking off his pull up every night
5) strategically pooping and/or peeing in new places

My other child is Baby Liam as we all seem to have become in the habit of calling him. He is just about 9 months and i fear the devil in disguise. He slept through the night at 3 weeks, gained weight like a champ, rarely cried, and now has started taking steps. He is adorable and lovely but has a naughty streak. He pulls hair, plays with the fan and goes for any electrical outlet, puts everything in his mouth, and climbs the stairs. I thought we were lucky getting an easy baby after the twins- now I'm not so sure.

Baby Liam's Favorite Things:
1) eating dog food
2) playing in the dog water
3) eating
4) smiling and laughing devilishly
5) his brothers

There truly is never a dull moment; right now the twins should be asleep and they are on the stairs throwing winter jackets down while pretending to go fishing using the arm of Liam's mobile Rowan pulled out of Liam's bed the other night and broke into pieces. They've also sailed down a few pieces of rubber flooring from their room which i know is their makeshift boat they send my kitchen sponges down on. They started this boat/sponge thing on Sunday so I'm very familiar with their nightly activities.
Lastly Liam is creeping around the living room alternately going after the bucket of wipes, the fan and the dogs.
Oh yes, we also have 2 dogs, Boston and Fenway- for life wouldn't be hecticly complete without the requisite dogs. Boston is a 210 lb English Mastiff and Fen is a 100 lb fat yellow Lab. They are the sweetest puppies in the world but unfortunately since the monsters have come along, They play second fiddle. However they know how to get attention- a favorite pastime is tracking down the dirty diapers and pull ups and ripping them into shreds all over the dirty laundry. Nothing spells suicide like coming home to that. 
For all the craziness I experience just about every day , i love my family to pieces and would rarely trade them for well behaved understanding agreeable children :) I hope you enjoy all my very true stories!

-- Katie

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"The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don't want, drink what you don't like, and do what you'd rather not". - Mark Twain

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